dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
