Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
