I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
