I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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