remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
