forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
