u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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