Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
