Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
