My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
