I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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