saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
