Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
