Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
