I cannot find my penis.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
