Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
