Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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