i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
