Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
