I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
