Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
