She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
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