It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
