Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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