so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
