shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
