I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
