I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
