I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
