well he's currently spooning the coffee table
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you inspire me to be a worse person
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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