I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
