I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
