I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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