This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
did i walk over a car last night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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