just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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