She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
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A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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