I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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