i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
