Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize