True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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