I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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