I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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