im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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