I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
