I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
