On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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