i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
