i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
