Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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