i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
