so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
