maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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