woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
