and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
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A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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