Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You smell like stripper and shame
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
