how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
