he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
