3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
